apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I want a musical about memes.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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