If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
All I want is dick and wine.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
