Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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