Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
