EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
