pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
