I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
