We're facebook friends in real life
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
