So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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