She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
