I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
