someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
