Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
