I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
