I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
