she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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