I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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