I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
