Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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