Swine flu. Run for my life!
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
