i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
God, I missed his penis.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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