so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
