You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
