Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
