i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
don't judge my taste in strippers
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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