Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My ATM looks so different sober.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
