It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize