Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize