I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Holy sore nipples Batman
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
