we should wear snuggies to the strip club
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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