dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
