god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
