You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
