i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
