so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
