bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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