Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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