I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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