Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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