all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
