That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
