I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
