i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Randomize
