i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
