I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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