There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
