Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
