in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
