I think I won the penis lottery.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
