i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
