Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
