It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
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