my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
