i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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