my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
