I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
