The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I am naked and annoyed.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
