My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
