Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
