oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
