Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
