remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
