Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
